What does it mean to set boundaries, especially thoughtful ones?

If you are unfamiliar with the concept of interpersonal boundaries, boundaries dictate how you utilize emotional, physical, financial, and time resources. Resources that are finite. If you’ve never stopped to think about how you a lot these resources, this probably means that they are being utilized without your awareness or conscious choice. The beauty of boundaries is that they allow us to be thoughtful with how we share, and what we want to maintain or even gain. It is that thoughtfulness that is even at the core of compassion. 

Where I notice many people get stuck, is when we focus on boundaries as limiting or taking away resources. We start to see boundaries as limiting the time we provide others, limiting emotional support our friend is seeking, or even seeing a boundary as limiting how and where we spend our hard-earned income. However, this perspective does not take into consideration the intentional gain that accompanies keeping healthy boundaries. Ultimately, the ability to sustain our relationships in a way that honors us, and serves the relationship long-term. You are not taking away from something, but rather choosing to pour into another aspect of your life. 

Healthy boundaries give us the opportunity to find true balance in sharing aspects of ourselves, in a way that makes us able and willing to return back and pour into these relationships and commitments time and again. So when we are offering someone our time and attention for example, we are choosing to do so knowing that we have specifically allotted this purpose, for that amount of time. We are choosing to invest this set-aside time in the relationship and this allows us to be more engaged and present friend/partner/coworker. I.e: “I have one hour to devote to catching up with X. Then I need to leave to get my errands completed. 

On the other hand, if we are not thoughtful with our time, it can be easy to get stuck in over-committing. This often results in follow-through that lacks heart, such as: going through the motions, secretly thinking about something else in the back of your mind, or even dreaming of phasing out the relationship or responsibility as a whole. All signs slowly pointing to burnout. Imagine what you actually stand to lose, if this becomes your norm? 

Here are some questions you can use to assess the thoughtfulness behind your boundaries with people/places/responsibilities/ etc. 

- Am I able to be mentally present and engaged with this_________? - Do I see clear purpose in what I am doing with this __________? - Am I feeling motivated to engage with this _________? Why/why not? - Do I find myself walking way from ______, feeling energized or further drained? 

- Is there anything I could adjust about ______, that would feel better for me? - I am clear on why I am spending this amount of time/money/energy/etc. on this 

_______? 

Ultimately we are human beings, which means we have a finite amount of resources to go around. This also means, when we share those resources with others, we can think of that as a thoughtful act of compassion. And when we preserve some resources for ourselves, we can also choose to see that as an act of compassion and investment into ourselves. Thoughtful boundaries help us gain, because they allow us to pour into our relationships and continue to let us be our best self in those relationships.