The holidays are full of joy, surprise, and sometimes pain. This is a similarly challenging blog post, especially for folks who have been survivors of sexual assault, abuse, and violence or who have a loved one who has experienced trauma. Please tread mindfully of the following content. 

Let’s talk about teaching our children bodily autonomy, age-appropriate sexual education, boundaries, and how to be an “askable” parent who kids can come to when they are worried or scared or confused. The holiday season is a time when we gather as extended families, and our families bring their new partners and loved ones into our worlds*. During the holidays, kids are expected to keep secrets, give or receive sometimes unwanted physical touch and are encouraged overtly and covertly to not ruin the holiday spirit around them. With the increased number of folks who gain private and intimate access to our kids during the holidays, here are some ways we can keep them safe and teach them lessons about body autonomy and safety year-round. 

1. Teach kids that a surprise is something that is hidden temporarily and people are excited to learn about, e.g. presents, a new puppy, a vacation, or a party. During forensic interviews, I often asked children if an adult had ever asked them to keep a secret, I was shocked to hear the clear distinction children made in what they understood to be a dangerous secret vs a surprise. Nearly all the children to whom I posed the question responded with an answer. The kids who were offering secrets like, “my mom told me not to say where she keeps her candy” or “my grandpa asked me to keep it a secret that he got grandma a new bathrobe” had no hesitation in sharing those secrets. Children who shared secrets about sexual abuse or physical abuse in the home would pause, become somber, and ask to know the consequences for telling a secret. Most people who sexually abuse children request that the survivor keep a secret and sometimes will threaten harm to the child or child’s loved ones if the child were to tell the secret. 

2. Teach kids that if anyone asks them to keep a secret they should tell a grown up right away. This helps keep other kids safe, many children disclose sexual abuse to a peer before they disclose to an adult. You can help distinguish unsafe secrets from surprises by giving your child language about secret vs. surprise. 

3. Teach children that they do not have to hug, kiss, or physically greet anyone. A warm hello and a wave hi are more than sufficient. And wow! It is super special when a child does choose to hug a family member. 

4. Find out who is in the home (any guests visiting?) before allowing your child to spend the night at a friend’s house.

5. Teach children that if other (especially older) kids ask to see areas covered by bathing suits or to touch those areas, it is not okay and not either child’s fault. It just means grown ups need to know and figure out a way to help keep everyone safe.  A 2012 study from the Crimes Against Children Research Center found that as many as 40% of child sexual abuse instances were perpetrated by children who were older and/or more powerful (social-emotionally and/or physically) than survivor children. 

Children express boundaries all the time with people in their lives--it is our privilege as adults in kids’ lives to help enforce and support those boundaries. Teaching kids to have strong emotional and physical boundaries--even with adults they know--is a helpful tool to prevent abuse. It also is a great way to practice respectful communication. Children with healthy physical and emotional boundaries are less likely to be targeted by perpetrators. 

It is hard to be a parent. Sexual assault of a child is never the child’s nor the family’s fault. And there are ways to reduce the risk and to mend the emotions and safety of kids and families who have survived an assault. Some of that healing happens in therapy, some of it happens with time, and a lot of it happens because an adult believed a child at the child’s first disclosure. So this holiday season, and every season, thank you for listening to your child’s boundaries. 

Below are some resources for families about body safety, starting those conversations to keep kids safe, facts and figures, and a great couple of books on healing. 

https://depts.washington.edu/hcsats/PDF/factsheets/CSA_flipbook_final_WEB.pdf

https://www.seattlechildrens.org/globalassets/documents/for-patients-and-families/pfe/pe1703.pdf

https://www.d2l.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/all_statistics_20150619.pdf

https://www.rainn.org/safety-parents

*This is not to incite fear of new people around the holidays. The National Institute of Health, RAINN, and Darkness to Light all indicate that childhood sexual abuse is most commonly perpetrated by people the child knows: immediate or extended family members, parents, and close community members (like members from church, after school programs, or other extracurriculars).