It’s hard to talk about substance use with kids and teens. Let’s start from a place of acceptance and compassion, acknowledging that this is really difficult. As a father myself, I often cringe when I think about having to have “the big talks” with my children. I remind myself that it isn’t just one conversation. I’m working at building a lifelong dialogue with my kids about all the hard stuff, and remembering that helps take some of the pressure off having to pack it all into one overwhelming conversation. Here are some of my thoughts on how to approach the subject, what could be important to consider including, and why it really matters.

Be kind to yourself as you go. You will fumble around and lose track, and have to remind yourself that you don’t have to cover every aspect of substance use in one conversation. Finding natural points of entry through experiences where substances are around, or portrayed in media can be a great place to start. Asking questions about your child or teen’s own observations can be really helpful to giving you more context for what they already are thinking about. They have likely put together a lot on their own, depending on their age, and it can give you more starting points for asking clarifying questions and giving some gentle corrections or updated information if they’ve got some misunderstandings.  

We generally want to find time when we (and our kids) are not rushed or overly stressed. If we’re anxious about talking about substance use, it’s important to remind ourselves to try not to make statements that are exaggerated or unrealistic.  If there’s one thing that was clearly illustrated by the failure of the D.A.R.E. program, it’s that giving your child unrealistic expectations or exaggerated statements in a “scared straight'' type of manner  (i.e. everyone who uses substances is bad) will not get you the results you intended.  In fact, studies now show that children who participated in a D.A.R.E. programs were more likely to engage in substance use in comparison to those who did not. Really! Check it out here.

When we don’t talk about something that our children are possibly seeing at home, around celebrations with our family members, with friends, in tv shows and in music, we can unintentionally send the message that it’s not okay to talk to us about substances and that secrecy or silence is the unspoken rule.  As our children watch us, our family members, and our friends engage in recreational substance use they can formulate beliefs that could be fruitful to explore together.

This is especially important if there’s a family history of substance use concerns. This genetic loading can mean your child has a higher likelihood of experiencing substance use issues, just like many other medical conditions with a genetic predisposition such as diabetes or high blood pressure. A family history of substance misuse isn’t a life sentence for every member of the family. But in addition to the genetic predisposition, children who grow up in families where a parent or close relative has a substance use problem develop their own relationship with substances in that context, and being able to talk about it openly and with compassion has a protective quality for your child’s development. 

Using space in your own individual therapy session to prepare for these discussions or even role play them with your partner could be something to consider. One of the ways we help families navigate substance use is through supporting parents in addressing these issues with their kids and teens, even before it actually becomes a problem. Here are a few questions for you and your child to jumpstart your dialogue:

• What exposures to substances has your child experienced? How did those experiences impact them?

• What are your child’s views on substance use: what’s ok & not ok? 

• What are your family’s values and beliefs around substance use?

• What messages did you get about substances from your family of origin?

• What were your experiences with or around substances in childhood? Adolescence? Young adulthood? Now? 

• How do you feel about your own experiences with substances or the substance use around you growing up and today?

Sometimes the best thing we can do as parents is ask ourselves the tough questions first. Then when we open up the conversation with our young people, really listen to what they have to say. Remember, the goal here is fostering trust, open communication and a lifelong relationship with your child that will encourage them to come to you with questions, curiosities and concerns. 

Whenever you want a professional’s support in navigating these conversations with your kids and teens, we’re here.