Creating Shared Meaning During the Holidays

Photo by Brooke Lark on Unsplash

When you look back on past holidays growing up, what pieces or memories do you hold onto in your mind? As we start to foster our own relationships and families, we start to evaluate what we want to keep and what can we edit. This can feel tricky, partly because it’s easier to avoid vulnerable conversations and partly because there is so much focus on differences within couples. However, John Gottman a pioneer in couples work, discusses the importance of creating shared meaning as a couple, regardless of your perceived differences. 

Gottman identifies the tenets of creating shared meaning, composed of: symbols, rituals, roles and goals. Rituals are traditions you keep alive, that foster connection in the relationship. For example, decorating the house together after Thanksgiving, or cooking and eating set foods for holiday meals. Playing that one game, that makes everyone look dorky and aads to the family cry-laughing. Perhaps even honoring family members that are no longer physically present, in a certain way each year. 

Shared goals are often put on the backburner, until there is a real effort in defining or re- defining them as a couple sees fit. A helpful starting point in these conversations may be discussing what you both hope to get out of the holidays, and then name specific steps to make this happen. For some, this may look like prioritizing quality time as a couple, while for others that may mean facilitating time spent with extended families and friends. While one couple may want to save and put forth money towards an end goal beyond holiday gifts, another may want to go all out and prioritize a larger sum towards holiday gift-giving. Having a goal-oriented conversation, as nerve-wracking as it can be, will help you both gain clarity and help you feel like a team. 

Symbols are heavily woven into the holiday season. Distinct colors, religious emblems, characters, stories passed down, all have become so ingrained that we forget we have the option to be intentional with these as well. You can begin to ask one other, “what does ___ mean to you?” or “to our family?”. Even getting more specific and asking for example, about what “giving” or “home” really means to each partner? This is where you may intend to keep past traditions fully alive, or decide to make updates that hold more weight to you both as a couple. 

Roles within a couple are often left unspoken. You each fall into habit and assume that’s how things need to stay because it’s familiar. However, I’m here to tell you that you are much better off having a direct conversation about your roles within the relationship, and especially what that looks like during the holidays. Talk about it, don’t assume everyone is fully on-board with how things currently are. Maybe one partner wants more support in the department of cooking, or budgeting, or in managing boundaries with extended family members. Roles within a couple are not cookie-cutter, and this includes the shape they take during the holidays. 

Starting these open discussions can feel intimidating! Whether you’ve been together for a while and rarely (or never) talk like this, or you’re a new couple that is learning to navigate communication. It can feel scary, fun, exciting and be an amazing opportunity to strengthen your relationship!