Allow me to paint you a familiar picture, you walk into a room with your kids/partner/roommate present and you unexpectedly notice something that just irks you to the core. Maybe it was the tone in their voice or the mess they forgot to clean up (again!). How we respond may depend, but personally I recognize that can result in: (a) a massive eye roll, (b) passive aggressive comment, or (c) loud, verbalized *rage*. Then, the retort that typically follows isn’t so pleasant either.
What’s happening is we’ve become activated and therefore our body is seeking a release. Physiologically this all makes sense, however relationally this can be damaging. This is because sometimes what activates us is not actually about that person, and what they did or did not clean up. Especially during this intense period of time, many of us are collectively carrying so much compounded tension, grief, and fear in our bodies that it takes a drop of a hat for the nervous system to become activated and seek immediate release. It’s the classic example of the toddler that loses it about spilled milk. It is NOT about the milk, it’s the opportunity to release their pent up feelings and find relief. Sorry to break it to you, but we are really no different than toddlers in this sense!
So, the question to ask ourselves is, was this BIG response really intended for that person to bear or am I just needing a release? To better start to decipher this, we can think back to past examples and try to notice our level of physiological arousal or stress: was my heart racing all day, did my usual to-do list feel especially daunting, were my shoulders tense, or was my stomach upset because I had just seen something in the news. These are just some of the cues we have that point towards needing self-regulation.
The key is to try to observe these cues non-judgmentally and intervene, instead of taking it out on the people we love. Heck, we can even ask those same people for help with regulating and this will likely go over significantly better! Maybe what we actually want is a big, tight, bear hug or to go for a quick run around the block. Doing something physically grounding or relationally connecting can be extremely helpful in completing the stress response cycle, and can help us regulate and find the relief we need! That stress release is possible in so many harm-free ways.
I will add that we can absolutely still hold others accountable to help out at home and support our needs, but sometimes we may actually need to check in and regulate ourselves first. This is the basis of safe, healthy relationships and prevents so many instances of unnecessary conflict and emotional harm. If you’re finding it difficult to break this pattern on your own, seeking the support of a skilled therapist can help! These are difficult times for many, and therefore the need for additional support and care is greater than ever.