Grief in the Time of COVID-19
There is no denying that the world around us has drastically changed. Our routines and our plans for the future have been blown apart. Families have been forced to put some of life’s major milestones on hold. Middle schoolers are dealing with the possibility of starting high school online and leaving friends behind who will be going to different schools. High school seniors, college graduates, and graduate students may not be walking across the stage at graduation. Couples are canceling or postponing their weddings, and families are mourning loved ones who have died from afar.
Everything around us is constantly shifting, and nothing feels certain. Many of my clients have been confused by the wide range of emotional reactions they have had in response to the spread of COVID-19. When I suggest that they could be grieving, they respond by saying, “No...nobody I know has died from this.” We often think of grief solely in the context of people dying, but there are actually many different kinds of losses we can experience. As I was looking through my notes from my Grief and Loss class at Vanderbilt, I found the following definitions for the three types of grief:
1. Physical loss – this includes losing treasured objects (jewelry, a home, etc.), people or pets.
2. Cognitive loss – this occurs when the way we used to make sense of things has changed or our old assumptions no longer fit our current circumstances. For instance, if you have to acclimate to a “new normal” or a “new reality” due to a major event, it would be considered a cognitive loss.
3. Psychosocial loss – we experience this type of loss when a role, relationship, and/or routine drastically changes or is lost completely. Examples include breakups, divorce, losing a job, or a move.
An important distinction to keep in mind is that any experience of loss can encompass one or all of these types. During this global pandemic, we are certainly dealing with a combination of each of these kinds of loss. Some people have lost loved ones to the virus, and even if we have not experienced this personally, we are constantly being bombarded with updated statistics and death tolls in the news and social media. The way we make sense of the world around us has been shaken, and we have had to adapt to new personal realities. People are losing their jobs, scaling back their roles significantly, or taking on new roles entirely. Not to mention that the age of social distancing has greatly affected our relationships. Even though FaceTime and Zoom are great, I think we can all agree that it is hard to replace in-person connections. These are just a few examples of the various ways in which grief in its many forms has permeated our daily lives in the wake of COVID-19.
You may be feeling angry, sad, anxious, confused, and defeated all at the same time. You might be thinking that nothing will ever be the same and feeling hopeless as a result. You are also probably noticing your emotions manifesting in your body. It might feel harder to take a deep breath, or you could have significant muscle tension. This is all part of a typical grief response.
Grief is not a one-size-fits-all process. Just like this quarantine, it does not come with a specific end date. Additionally, it is not linear or predictable. You may have heard of the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance), but we rarely move through these stages in order. We might be going about our day feeling like we are making progress, and then something comes out of the blue and brings us to our knees. Know that this is normal and expected.
If we can take solace in anything during this time, it is in the fact that we are grieving as a collective. The most important thing to remember as we do this is to show compassion to ourselves and to others. Our world turned upside down in what felt like an instant, and our expectations for ourselves and those around us have to adjust accordingly. We are doing our best to take care of ourselves and keep up with our responsibilities while we grieve the myriad changes happening around us. As we check off another day of quarantine on our calendars, my hope is that we can all practice being kind, patient, and loving toward ourselves as we navigate this unprecedented time together.