Family Time: From Infancy to Adolescence
As a new mom of two (a 3 year old and a 1 year old), I’ve been struggling with how to “play” with my kids. It has weighed on my conscience for weeks now. Am I playing with my toddler enough? Does she feel rejected every time I tell her I’m not available? Have I even spent 1:1 time with my infant today that wasn’t focused on meeting his basic needs? The guilt and uncertainty can make engaging feel like more of a chore than a privilege. As I’ve processed what is stirring within me as I navigate this stage in parenthood which demands so much attention and attunement, I’ve come to realize (and be reminded of) a few simple truths about quality time in our families. With spring break fast approaching and summer break around the corner, I thought I’d share some tips and tricks for parents with children of all ages to engage in a way that inspires connection and a sense of belonging in your families.
Infancy
The primary focus of this stage, beyond ensuring our babies get food and rest, is attachment and bonding. You can read on this topic for months and gather a host of competing advice and opinions on how to encourage a healthy attachment, but I’m going to simplify this one for you. Make the time you spend meeting your child’s basic needs your chance for quality family time. In other words, when you change your baby’s diaper, make eye contact. Give a smile. Simply say “I’m changing your diaper now.” The point here is simple, be present and engaged in these ordinary moments. You don’t have to be “entertaining” to promote a positive, healthy connection with your infant. For more on this, you may look into Magda Gerber’s work.
Toddlerhood/Preschool Years
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What a fun stage! Here, our children are learning new physical, verbal, emotional, and social skills at such an incredible rate. This time can feel like a whirlwind as we navigate the needs of our children and family. This is a great time to introduce rituals of connection. Life is hectic, so take a look at your family routine, and identify the natural moments for connection. Maybe there is just enough time in the morning to make breakfast a time for connection. Maybe it is when your kiddo wakes up. You can read a book together or sing silly songs to wake up. What you do and how long you do it doesn’t matter as much as “how” you do it. It is about the quality of time spent together that builds connection. If you aren’t available for play at a certain time, it is absolutely ok to say “no, I’m not available right now.” Save your energy for time you can be completely present for your child. Want to read more… check out this article.
When there is time for the whole family to be together, consider making outings as seen through your child’s eyes. The world is so fascinating at this stage. Your child wants to experience it from all of their senses. Go on a walk or hike as a family and let your kiddo explore - touch, taste, listen. Here is a beautiful example of what one parent discovered when seeing the world through his kid’s eyes.
School-age
As our kiddos enter the school years, our family schedules can get incredibly busy. Between work, school, and extracurricular activities it’s probably hard to find time to be together as a whole family. Stick with the natural moments of family connection that are available in the routine. Whatever those defined moments are, be fully present with your kiddo. You might introduce new rituals that you prioritize as much as any of the extracurriculars. This could be a weekly game night, a monthly movie night, or even just a daily check in upon coming together in the evening (tell me one rainbow moment in the day and one stormy moment in the day).
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At some point in the school ages, our kids will start to play less and focus on academics and activities more. I’m referring to Dr. Stuart Brown’s, description of play as time spent without purpose. In the early school ages we see enormous time spent in imaginative or creative play, just because the kids enjoy it. This begins to decrease as kids get more pressure placed on them in school and at home. Play is critical to creativity and innovation, according to Brené Brown. Keep play alive in your family by prioritizing play as a family. If you’re not sure where to start, have each member of your family make a list of activities they deeply enjoy. Then compare lists to see where you all over lap as a family. This is a great place to start when making special time for the family. These are opportunities to create a sense of love and belonging in the family. Creating space in your family where play is respected and appreciated by all will be of great service as you approach the next stage… the teenage years.
Teenage Years
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Your kids are really coming into their own here. Notice what brings them to life. It may be hard to tell at times, but look closely for those moments. What does your teen talk about unprompted? What do they show interest in? When do you see them light up? Those are going to be your key to quality family time at this stage. Do they talk about bands they listen to? Go find some live music. Do they talk about activism? Look into community events you can attend as a family. Teens are especially primed to be engaged and creative in solving problems. They aren’t as afraid as adults to take risks (for better or worse!). This means they may have truly unique ideas about how to solve a challenge or optimize family time. Get their input. Show them you value them as a member of the family, not a child. Foster their growing independence that instills confidence and value.
Continue to make use of the rituals that have been in place, but adapt them, naturally, to a more age appropriate activity. You probably aren’t reading to your teenager before bed, but maybe you have a show the family watches together before winding down for bed. Perhaps breakfast is quick but still intentional in the morning. Janet Lansbury has some great tips on engaging with teens in this article. I still remember that my mom and I would watch The Three Stooges when I came in from being with friends on the weekends. As a teenager, this wasn’t a show I chose necessarily, but it was funny and I enjoyed watching it with my mom.
No matter the stage, the goal is to be attuned to your child and family. It doesn’t have to be perfect or lengthy. It simply matters that you are present and engaged. Your openness and flexibility will invite connection.
Finally, don’t forget to save some time for yourself to play. If you as the parent or parents are not recharged, it will be really challenging to give more of yourself to your kids! Fill up your cup with play and creativity.