The Bottom Line
Photo by Blake Richard Verdoorn on Unsplash
Many of the parents who come to see me come hoping for a solution for behaviors their kids engage in. They tell stories of rule-breaking, lying, and disrespect. Or they worry about drug use, self-harm, and depression. In either case, they consciously or unconsciously talk about not knowing what is going on with their child. For me, that is the ultimate goal of family therapy: that parents would understand their children’s external and internal worlds. Having that understanding makes it radically easier for parents to design and enforce rules, keep their children safe, and grow and maintain closeness in the parent-child relationship.
There are a million ways that a parent’s understanding of their child can be obstructed, but many of them look similar to the two prototypical scenarios I will discuss here:
Sometimes there is a single event or issue that becomes a significant feature in a child’s life that they are uncomfortable or unable to share with a parent. Some common reasons a child might find something difficult to share with a parent are: the child finds the situation embarrassing, the child doesn’t understand what they are going through or doesn’t have words for the experience, the child is worried they will get in trouble if they talk about it, the child knows that their parent will feel hurt if they find out, and that the topic is difficult for the parent and they are unable to connect with the child when it comes up. No matter the reason, the main thing to do is to help the child process the event or issue so that it is either no longer a prominent part of their world or gets to a place where it is something that can be shared with their parent(s). This can happen through time and the child’s own internal processing, through talking with another trusted adult, through talking with peers, or through meeting with a counselor. Once that processing happens, connection and understanding can be reestablished.
Other times, the ways that parents ask about their child’s world and respond to their children make letting them feel unsafe or unhelpful to their children. This is not an indictment of the parents. Inviting a child to share their world with you and responding in ways that encourage them to keep sharing is a difficult task. It is not something that comes naturally to most people. That is why I encourage every parent I work with to read “How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk” (there are also versions targeted specifically for younger kids and teens). The guidelines presented in this book are the most accessible tools I have seen for helping parents develop the skills and habits to keep communication and connection open with their kids over the long term. This book will not answer everything so I recommend parent coaching and/or family counseling for more severe or urgent needs. However, this book will help parents lay the foundation for a resilient and long-lasting connection with their children.